assignment 5 short story opener

1. My original short story opener wwas like these

Mary, the school head girl had never felt so imperfect before. She was raised by wonderful , down to earth parents whom she loved with all her mighty heart.One sunday morning mary was in their small hut which she shared with her entire family.

2.character description:
Mary was a beautiful girl , her hair was dark and shiny , her teeth was white as snow and she always smiled despite any sadness and suffering she felt. Mary's personality was that of an adult she never took anything personal and everyone loved they way she presented her self.

3. dialogue
"Hi there," Mary said." What a splendous evening it is," Danniel said.
"what brings you by , nothing i just wanted to get some fresh air," Daniel said."What a lovily gesture that is ," i nodded.

4.action:
The wind was blowing swiftly , there was a pin drop of silence as the man came drunk and blured everyone's secret. you could barely here anything by wind blowing so hardly that we thought the building would crash.
5.action. blood was running down his face and i imagined it felt like a basin with alot of water.
you could imagine the heart beat of everyone.